Thursday, January 5, 2012

New Year New REsolutions Be more Grateful Less resenful and Get 30 mins of Excercise

I am the kind of person that strives towards perfection and this striving drives me crazy. Everything has to be just so. No one and nothing is Good enough. ESPECIALLY ME. Yes things can always be done better but I have to learn to let the little things slide. Coming from a family that was driven crazy for over 25 yrs by an abusive alcoholic makes me think that i need to be right all the time or DIE. It was literally  prove that your right all the time or just roll into a fetal position and wait for the punches. Not sharing this for Sympathy but its just the truth and needs to be told. We cover for our loved ones make excuses apologies for them profusely which is a shame. If someone would have just told it as it is and then maybe the Jekyll and Hyde personality that most PERFECTIONISTS have could be dealt with effectively. For my household it was normal to get beaten up abused and cursed at. NEVER having seen anything else this was my normal. This ofcourse made all the members want not to be there. So me and my darling sis found every excuse in the book to NOT COME home. But we had to be there to protect our mom. Being together for each other no matter what seemed the norm in my house and I do not know what it is to GIVE UP. I was 7 yrs old when i sat down with my mom and told her i think she needs to leave her abusive husband and walk away. My policy was Melancholy till the 5th grade then my mom put me in Drama classes and things changed I opened up to enjoy whatever i could when i was away from the situation.
Now 8 yrs after my father died of multiple organ failure because of his drinking I still find it hard to trust as I never could trust when he was around. I still am an extremist and Fight to cut people down to the bone as i had to do to him to survive his violence. Did have violence and abuse in my life for a long time so its hard to move on from that reaction especially when i lose it. My Temper in my Teens were legendary. Haven't flown into a blind rage since the last 3 yrs and I'm proud of that. But Family members who went through that with me still treat me with kid gloves. My moms a lovely confused lady whose definitely an Enabler. She Definitely doesn't realize it as she can never be wrong about anything. My parents separately were good people both with a GOD complex and huge EGO's they were kids when they got married and never Grew up. Not even To this date.
             Having being told by my DAD in a very deep liquor induced stupor that I was the reason he was drinking at the age of 9. Made me want to be the perfect daughter, student and everything possible.

             Addiction is something that crosses Countries Masses Demographics of all kinds...Its not a problem for the poor middle class or rich. We all have this problem and the victims do their best to cover it up and its hardly talked about. Much like incest or sex abuse.The Victims blame themselves. No one is RESPONSIBLE for someone else s BAD Behavior. They are responsible for their's as you are for yours. Defiantly some people reading thing might thing oh sad what a poor girl. Dont get my wrong I was never a Victim I just survive the cards I was dealt with. Lived on my own terms and still do. Went to New york at the in my early teens to study and work, that was 10 yrs ago. My Dad didnt want me to go and I went anyway. Worked my heart out having 3-4 jobs to support myself. Sometimes not having food to eat. Being poor But I was Happy. Especially since i come from a family my dads side atleast where cousins and cousins make dozens even 1st cousins. And it was these cousins telling me i was the one that GOT away that kept me warm even on the coldest nites. I want to improve and change these learn behaviors of extremes for the wonderful man i have in my life for the last 9 yrs it will be 10 yrs in April 2011 touch wood. Hes been though all my ups downs and craziness as i have with him as well. Would want to improve to deal with adversity better. Want to be able to have small fights and not bring a BAZOOKA to an argument :) as it doesn't make sense. My insecurities are not because of him , these are my Daddy and mummy issues. Like whats new about it. If we are Honest with ourselves which sometimes is the hardest thing to do we all have some issues, something or the other that is our trigger. I just want to improve mine and deal with them as the adult i want and hope to become. Be a role model for my future kids by action and not just do what i say not what i do example. Here's wishing all you people the best to come to face with your demons as I am trying to do with mine. Its honestly not as bad as it seems Keep Positive and Just a comment will let me know that you Understand :) that helps knowing that I'm not a FREAK on my own in this :) PITY u can keep very far away from me and this BLOG of mine. Understanding and fellow victims I WELCOME.

I try to be grateful everyday for everything I have and make sure i don't get too negative or depressed about the past. whats over and done with is over and done with. I don't want to be the 50 yr old still with daddy issues. Power through and get over whatever it is with a lot of help for my friends and loved ones as i'm sure everyone that goes through this will triumph as well. Here's to more grateful, positive energy for the New year. 30 mins of exercise at least 4-5 times a week eating loving and just doing things that make U as in individual happy. As women we try to make everyone like us love us except ourselves I want to love myself this year...And i Hope you will too :) Love Yourselves first and foremost and everyone that loves u will love u more for it........Here;s hoping to SLAY ALL THE DEMONS


  1. 1000 likes with cheer up :)
    Keep on blogging, You got talent.


  2. Thanks Habib Ur Rahman very kind of u to say so

  3. wow (exhaling slowly) like I was still u strength and otherwise

  4. Don't be Still there my love...Lets Slay these Demons together Luv u 2. U r my normal :)